Amber Thinks She's Pregnant

The woman was pregnant.

Or fat.

"I think she's pregnant," I said enthusiastically. "Look at the smooth curve of her stomach."

"Yes, but why would she be sitting on a rock?" Sandra replied. "I think it's just the dress."

"Maybe, but what's the point of the picture then? Why is he standing way out there? If she's pregnant, his position makes more sense." My pointless argumentative streak was uncovering itself again...

Sandra nodded assent, "sure, but he could just be admiring her from a distance -it seems more like a flirtatious position to me..."

I was sitting in my boyfriend's parents' beautiful, ever so Victorian living room, staring at a lady's fan. That's right, a lady's fan. It was a gift from Sandra and Steve's recent trip to Madrid, with a telling "M" along the wooden stem, and a painting reproduced on the skein. It was years ago (I was 19!) - in the early stage of our "relationship" -past the awkward "so you're the parents of my boyfriend" phase and right in the middle of "yes-I-AM-intending-on-sticking-around". Sandra and I didn't realise yet that we had a lot in common, so we were making the most of what we had...

"If she's trying to be coy," I protested, "why is her back to him - he can't see her face."

"I don't know; all of the fashionable women then were a little plump. I still think they're a couple." The thread of conversation was wearing thin, and we were both wondering where the men were with the drinks...

"Yeah, they could be a couple; and she's pregnant, sitting down from being tired, and he's run off out of fear and now is thinking about maybe returning...Or maybe it's her brother turning around to let her know he's found that bastard that ran away..." Oh my god, did I just say that to my boyfriend's mother? Help!

The topic was getting a little to close to subjects one would rather avoid discussing with the parents of a new(ish) boyfriend, so I was glad when creaking sounds preceded Steve as he entered the room bearing the long awaited drinks.

As he came in, Sandra leant towards my out stretched hands to take a closer look at the painting. Without looking up from her inspection she says "well, maybe. Steve, Amber thinks she's pregnant - what do you think?"

And the world stopped.

Then the blood remembered it was supposed to move back out of Steve's face, and he busied himself setting down the tray of drinks. Very slowly, he sat down, and quietly but deliberately looked into my eyes and said "oh-kay".

Sandra, who had not noticed the lost moment of time or her husband's whispered response, picked up again saying, "I mean, she could just be fat - what do you think?"

Steve's singular utterance had left him speechless, and I'm afraid he was unable to comprehend Sandra's second statement. I couldn't hold it in any longer - I breathed out finally, in a big rush and then I laughed. I laughed so hard I cried, and when I was done I turned to Sandra and said "he took that well, didn't he?"

At which point the penny dropped for both of them... and Chris walked in to find all of us blushing brightly and laughing uncontrollably.

Do you think forks evolved from spoons?

Browsing through the random questions offered in the profile section I stumbled across this only to find that my answer was far too long. Hence, here it is as a test-post. (I promise that future posts on this site will not be silverware orientated... well at least not that often!)

Do you think forks evolved from spoons?

No, but I suppose a spoon could have evolved from a fork.

I figure the first implement people used to eat was actually a handy weapon... they just stabbed their meat with a knife and bit off chunks.

Then one day the predecessor to modern mothers everywhere said 'Damn it, Boris, you're breaking all our knives! I want you to use this dull two pronged stick instead.'

Silently furious, Boris obliged and later found that the two pronged stick made a great weapon too... it helped to stop bigger blokes from sticking him with longer
knives.

Later this developed into full scale war where one day a really old Boris, who had never told his mother how angry her constant prattle made him, decided that instead of sticking the two pronged stick into a guy he wanted to find a way to really scare him... hence the spoon.

Of course, I might have just watched Robin Hood too many times ;0)